If they change the name of their band to "Arnold and Willis" that would be pretty fucked up....

I’m really enjoying that new song “I’m not going to teach your girlfriend how to dance” by that band, Black Kids .

“You are the girl that I’ve been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl.”

I imagine a young woman in love with her female best friend who is dating some dude who can’t dance. She is asked by the friend to teach this idiot how to dance…and it’s breaking her heart to do it.

This makes for a much more interesting teen movie than if the characters were all “straight.” (Though the plot does seem to be vaguely similar Some Kind of Wonderful.) I will probably never write this screenplay, but someone should! Also, whoever writes it should give me a cut of the profit since I came up with the idea. Notice the date, kids. No way of pretending you came up with it first. I expect some fat checks for this.

Oh yeah, then there’s the name of the band: Black Kids. Of course this makes me a wee bit uncomfortable. Clearly, that’s the point of it. It’s shocking when people are confronted with race, even in such a superficial way.

I do like the idea of people openly declaring “I love Black Kids.”

I mean, could you imagine people actually saying the opposite out loud?

Me: You hate Black Kids?

Dude: Well, I didn’t mean…

Me: They’re too loud for you, right?

Dude: Well, I mean...I wouldn’t put it quite like…

Me: Is it their look? You don’t like how Black Kids look?

Dude: You know, I wouldn’t…umm…

Me: You’d prefer Black Kids to dance on stage more, right? They don’t dance enough for you?

Dude: Umm..

Me: Bigot, go buy their record now!

Dude: Ok, I’ll buy it on itunes immediately!

Me: Itunes? What are you afraid of being seen with Black Kids? Fuck Mr. Drummond, right?

Ok, I'll stop here. This could go on forever...like racism.

I assume most people assume the “Dude” in that funny piece of dialogue was white. He was. He was white.

Hmmm…I wonder if the fear of looking racist could actually lead to increased Black Kids record sales in the United States. How powerful is white guilt?

I suppose there’s also the possibility that people just might stick the word “the” before the band’s name just to distance themselves a little bit from sounding racist.

The Black Kids, doesn’t quite sound as edgy.

Has the word “the” ever had such power? The Definite Article as a racism buffer.

And yes, both the title of this blog and the end of that little dialogue above were references to the 80s television program, Different Strokes. That show was great. Remember that episode when Dudley gets molested by the man that owns the bicycle shop? That episode actually happened! CREEPY. Here’s a scene I found on youtube that weirds me out:

Man, I wish they had the whole episode on there. The kids actually escape and that dude gets arrested. It’s still fucked up, but a little less so.

Hmm...it's strange to think that Michael Jackson somehow turned into some strange cross between Gary Coleman and that white child molester.

I will end on that Michael Jackson joke.

Sprinkler in a Hurricane

I’m struggling to finish a paper and it's funny how it’s always these moments when my creative brain starts working again and I feel compelled to write. A broken automatic sprinkler that finally turns on during a hurricane.

No one says “Thank You” in London. It’s as if people here all feel entitled to have doors held open for them. I’m from New York and I actually think these people are assholes. Really well-dressed assholes.

London is a city filled with people of different races, cultures and nationalities. The most diverse group of assholes in the world.

I suppose there’s a possibility that these people choose not to say “thank you” just to me. However, that thought would be far more devastating than a gross generalization.

I’m sleep deprived and a bit frustrated with how this week has gone. I rush to get into a door at my college hall before it closes and I am forced to swipe my card into a machine, which never works immediately, to let myself in. Someone decided not to hold the door open for me. I guess not for me, specifically…but for everyone. It wasn’t just me, remember. He didn’t keep the door open for anyone and everyone.

As the door closed, I said to myself, “God, why can’t I catch a break today?”

Then, one of the grocery bags I was holding ripped open and all the contents fell to the floor.

Yup, that indeed would be a type of “break.” God is laughing. God has a sense of humour.

I imagine a very pregnant woman somewhere in the world at that very instant rushing to get an elevator. She misses it and also thinks to herself “God, why can’t I catch a break today?”

Her water breaks.

God has a sense of humour… and is funny.

There must be a God. The thought there isn’t a God would be far more devastating

God might be a gross generalization.

Merry Xmas

Here’s a picture of me and my brother celebrating Christmas as children. We were clearly not given haircuts as presents that year.

I used to love Christmas growing up. The exception was that first Christmas when I was four. I had learned about Santa Claus in school and my immigrant parents bought us a little plastic Christmas tree, but didn’t realize that they were supposed to buy presents and put them under the tree before Christmas morning. I was left disappointed, accusing Santa Claus of hating Hindus. Other than that, things went fine and Christmas was a time filled with family, food and holiday television specials and films. (My favorite holiday film being Christmas Story. I like the scene where Ralphie beats the shit out of that bully Scut Farcus. My brother and I would watch that scene and laugh. Oh, how cathartic that scene was.)

I think I started to sour on Christmas in recent years as Bill O’Reilly and other right-wingers started to claim the existence of a “War on Christmas” (and on Christianity, in general). Whenever a Christmas tree or nativity scene is removed from a public place, the conservatives go nuts...like the way reasonable people go nuts about the War...you know, the actual War...in Iraq...that is happening presently...IN REALITY.

Christmas was a lot more fun before all this religion got mixed into it. (Notice Hindu statue next to Christmas tree in image above)

Specifically regarding nativity scenes, I find it ridiculous that people are surprised when they are taken down in courthouses and other public institutions. That is a clear violation of the separation of church and state. At least with Christmas trees and images of Santa Claus, you can claim they are secular symbols of Christmas time that have no direct connection to the Christian faith and the contents of the Bible. It’s hard to make the same claim with a scene depicting the birth of Christ.

I suppose the only way you could justify displaying a nativity scene at a publicly funded institution is if you say it is part of an exhibit entitled: Murder Victims and Their Families During Happier Times.

You could then show John Lennon getting his first guitar or perhaps JFK fishing with his father in Cape Cod.

(I tried making this joke at a few gigs recently in NYC. Mixed results. More dirty looks than I expected.)

Here’s another compromise, you can show your nativity scenes…but they have to be accurate.

Everyone, including Jesus, must have BROWN skin….as they would have in reality since this supposedly happened in the Middle East. (And no you can’t put Cliff Huxtable in the manger to deliver the baby. I do realize Bill Cosby is a palatable dark-skinned person and would make this scene easier to digest for some.)

This is a nation that is struggling to decide whether we can have a brown-skinned president. A brown-skinned messiah? The threat of such a thing should keep church and state apart for at least a little while.

FedEx-plain Yourself

Let’s take a look at this new FedEx Commercial shall we?

http://video.mediapost.com/index.cfm?clientfile=FedEx_Carpet.mpeg

What’s could possibly be wrong here?

1) Indians don’t ride flying carpets. That is a racist stereotype. Though to some this may be a much more palatable explanation for the presence of Indian communities around the world (as opposed to colonialism and indentured labor).

2) FedEx is claiming that Indians are so incompetent that they, in fact, need to import their racist stereotypes from abroad.

3) Is this even an Indian stereotype? Isn’t it a Persian and Arab stereotype? A clue being the flying carpet's prominence in the children’s book Arabian Nights. Hmm…but we all do look a like over there, I suppose, so why wouldn't our cultures and stereotypes be the same. I'm constantly calling Italians "kraut-heads" and telling Greeks to stop drinking so much Guinness.

To those of you who think I’m being too sensitive or politically correct…SHUT THE FUCK UP! I am so sick of your illogical replies. I presented you with an argument and you reply with SHIT. The claim of political correctness is not an all-encompassing answer. (I will present more of my thoughts on political correctness another time.)

Why did FedEx think this was ok? Did they simply ask an Indian dude around the office what he thought about it?

FedEx Ad Rep: So tell me what you think of our new ad. Honestly.

(Plays commercial)

Indian Dude: (Laughs nervously)

FedEx Ad Rep: Are you laughing because you think it’s funny or because you’re worried that we’ll fire you if you don’t laugh.

Indian Dude: (Laughs nervously again)

FedEx Ad Rep: Seriously, do you like the commercial or are you responding this way because you feel pressured to like it because if you said the ad was inaccurate and potentially racist you would be accused of being overly sensitive and this could imply that you and your family have not completely assimilated into American life.

Indian Dude: Uhh…I…like it, I guess.

FedEx Ad Rep: Ok good, we’re going with it. Can we run an idea by you?

Indian Dude: (sighs) Umm…sure.

FedEx Ad Rep: I was thinking that we should change the ad to say that the flying carpets are selling “like curry” instead of "like hotcakes" since hotcakes are not popular in India.

Indian Dude: I think roti, chapathi or dosa would be more appropriate since they're more similar to hotcakes than curry.

FedEx Ad Rep: Nobody in America will know what those are.

Indian guy: Oh, ok.

FedEx Ad Rep: You know what, maybe we’ll just keep it the way it is. I’m glad we had this conversation. It’s all part of the creative process.

Here’s a potential response to a claim of racism:

FedEx PR Rep: No, you see, we’re not claiming that Indians have historically ridden flying carpets. We’re actually saying the opposite. We’re saying that in a world where flying carpets exist they would get popular everywhere...quite possibly in India since it is an emerging superpower and its growing middle-class would love to get their hands on such technology. If this was the case, we are confident FedEx would be able to get these flying carpets there better than any of our competitors. Hell, my great grandfather was half-Irish and I would be honored if this commercial said Ireland. But that’s just how the ball bounced. We love Indians. We love Americans. We love Indian-Americans. God or Science Bless Everyone. UPS Sucks.

Your welcome, FedEx.

A Conversation between the Kondabolu Brothers

On the F train returning to Queens from a party in Manhattan.

Hari is eating a bag of Skittles.

Hari: A pack of Skittles provides you with 50% of the recommended amount of Vitamin C you need in a day. Man, that's crazy!

Ashok: What?

Hari: It's so easy to get Vitamin C now! I mean, who actually gets scurvy anymore?

Ashok: Probably a neglected child.

Hari: Oh shit, you're right. That's really sad. I should've thought of that. I can't make a joke about this. Hmm, maybe I should put this conversation in my blog.

Ashok: Whatever, man.

How to talk to your kids about drugs...

There were many episodes of televisions shows in the 80s and 90s devoted to teaching us about the dangers of drug abuse. Some were done terribly.

Take the, now classic, Jesse Spano "I'm So Excited" freakout episode of Saved By the Bell.



However, sometimes anti-drug episodes can be done right. For example, the "Just Say Yo" episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

In this episode, Carlton takes way too many of his cousin Will's amphetamines because he assumed they were Vitamin E pills. After Carlton ends up in the hospital, Will needs to confront the issue of why he had them in the first place. That's right...Carlton was on speed...as opposed to Jesse who was on CAFFEINE PILLS. If you're going to talk about drugs...actually use real drugs as examples!

It's interesting how both these episodes deal with drug use as a way to stay focused and balance school with extracurricular activities instead of as an answer for boredom and/or depression.

NOTE: Neither of these shows alone can educate your children about drug use and abuse. Anyone who expects them to is a lazy parent and is doing their kids a disservice! Please show them films like Trainspotting, Basketball Diaries or Requiem for a Dream.

However long I stay [alive], I will always love you?

Something to ponder:

Has the music of Robert Smith (The Cure) and Morrissey (The Smiths and his solo work), morose and depressing and quite self-indulgent, somehow been diminished by the fact that both men are still alive and nearing 50? How miserable could they be if they are both actually still alive? Hell, The Cure's "Lovesong," a classic tale of heartbreak and misery, was written as a wedding present for Robert Smith's wife...who he's been happily married to for almost 20 years now!

Can we contrast this with the music of Elliot Smith, Nick Drake and Kurt Cobain whose work has arguably become more powerful as a result of their suicides? Can you really listen to Nirvana without playing a detective searching for clues to why Kurt killed himself?

Does suicide legitimate the work of the depressed song-writer?

"See I told you it was bad. Really, really bad."

Discuss.